Finding fear of being exposed

picture from Pixabay

On that day

I had an experience which has many layers.

I was working on one day and during my work hours at construction work we needed to change location because there are phases with this kind of work and we might have 2-3 construction sites in one day because of this.

I have a car in my use occasionally and this time I was changing location by myself without working partner being with me and what I many times use my driving time to which can be 20min- 1h between locations to make decrees to ascended masters.

Well, this time I was making my third decree on this day and it was to Saint Germain ( I have memorized the decree so I can focus on driving at the same time) and on this day was a great flow and because in car I don't need to worry about if this is bothering someone so I went full speed devotionally.

Well then my boss called during the decree and I first resisted idea to answer in the middle of the flow but I got impulse to answer the call because I sensed it was urgent, I answered and it was about changing location, so good that I answered, BUT here is what happened, after ending phone conversation with my boss I forgot to shut off the call and immediately continued full speed devotional rhythmic decreeing, while my boss were listening to my chanting at the other end.

Reaction

So I got to my new location and after meeting with my boss who was co-working with me on this day he said that I forgot to shut off the phone and he then heard my chanting, where he didn't got any clue what I was doing or what it was about.

Immediately there rose a reaction in me what I recognized as a self who has a fear of being exposed or being judged by other people, at the same time I was very curious about my own reaction and my boss's reaction.

I recognized that even there was a reactionary self in me, I saw an opportunity to separate myself from it and I found a way to be at peace with what happened, and I realized that I have a right to exercise my free will to pursuit my spirituality no matter what my boss thinks I about it I went through this.

There was an interesting feeling of losing control in being exposed, because I recognized another subtle self who has a desire of having certain advantage which in my case was roughly " oh I have these tools, I must be more special than these other people who do not know or who can not accept these tools" or " I'm in this dispensation, I am special" and so on.

So in being exposed I found this subtle spiritual pride, which on my case is linked to my traumas of being put down by some authority. This is especially linked of being devotional Christian in early Christianity that had mystical branches before it was perverted by the power hungry fallen beings

I created this pride because of others certain limitation that I have accepted that I have had in the past and where I suppressed my own freedom to express my self freely, where I lost awareness of my right to express myself and my right to not conform to other peoples reactions and let them control my sense of identity, how I can act or can not according to their standards. This happened over many lifetimes as I forgot after every lifetime my past life experiences in new life.

In this exposure experience at my work I found myself being uncomfortable because it created insecurity for my ego that now my boss have a a crazy picture of me and maybe I can lose my job and all this chatter that followed after the experience. I became conscious of it an this gave me now more grip to handle my psyche as I was willing and as I am willing to deal with these.

Peace and some resolution

"there is really nothing too serious on planet Earth because it is all an outpicturing of the law of free will "

Well, I said that I was in peace at the same time and it was because I was willing to turn the other cheek to my ego and I was willing to confront my own reactions of facing the fear of unknown and uncertainty of what will follow.

I silently observed that there is a higher presence in me who is completely at peace all the time no matter what happens here on " the stage".

This was for me very valuable experience that has set me one or few steps closer to being more at peace on planet earth and to BE who I came here to BE.

I chose to let some internal spirits to die because I have tapped more into this flow that there is nothing really too serious on planet Earth because it is all outpicturing of the law of free will and through certain experiences we can come to a certain point where we can just decide that we have had enough of certain experiences for example to react through these dualistic filters, these dualistic selves and choose to be More.

"Come what may, I am leaving this place and I am at peace and continue exposing these selves and moving further."

Recognizing growth

It was a relief for me to recognize my own growth and see that I have done some work and that it work.

I don't know why but sometimes if I don't see a concrete change it creates doubt in me or even a fear that I have pacified and then comes this desire to force change. This is of course another self reacting and trying to derail me from my path to my personal Christhood.

For me seeing my own psychology and having tools to deal with it is a real miracle, and it is not about just studying the teachings and giving invocations or decrees but also facing life on the stage, where the integration of teachings can be tested, where we can then go beyond the teachings once the teachings are alpha- aspect of growth (expanding) and where the experience is omega-aspect (contracting).

I see that eventually it will be ourselves who will be giving a grade on how we have managed here and are we willing to move forward from this Earth school.

Our spiritual teachers are willing to work with us but it is we who must make decisions to grow and become more self-sufficient and less depended in every situation on masters and to take more responsibility for our own minds and behavior.

I believe this is what self-mastery or certain level of it is about. It is about changing our inner circumstances and all the good things will follow eventually.

I see that we can enjoy Life when we flow with the river of life and experience step by step what is needed to make further growth.

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By Arttu