Taste of freedom

I am in a traumatic situation once again. Someone close to me is very angry and he starts spewing out his anger in fiery derogatory words at me. He charges towards me, inches near my face as if to attack me physically, but continues shouting.

Then he goes on to say the things that he knows are open, unhealed wounds and will stab me if spoken about. He does say them. Then he takes off his slippers and waves them in the air, implying that I deserve to be beaten with his slippers.

All this time I am sitting in a chair quietly. The mixed emotions are roaring like huge waves in me. Fear, terror, disbelief, anger, disgust. Everything in a mix.

I try to be calm but I'm scared . I'm scared he might harm me physically. The sheer intensity of his anger scares me. I cannot stay calm in the face of it.

Finally, he storms out.

I'm shaking in fear and terror, and I start crying.

I use the remainder of the day getting self help to reach a calm state of mind again. I am crying , then getting panicky, then suffering a throbbing headache and similar symptoms. But I have been working on myself for a long time so I know my way around myself.

The next morning I was finally in a state where I could dis-identify with certain selves and surrender many of them that got exposed in this exchange, and even later throughout the day.

Later the next day I observed that I was back in a peaceful state of mind. I was free mentally. I could choose how I wanted to react to that episode. I didn't have to lash back . I didn't have to ignore it. I could do something else. But at least I was not dictated by a self about what I HAD to do about it.

I was enjoying a sense of calm. I realised how temporary that storm was. If I didn't think about it... I could just move on and put my attention somewhere else, where "I wanted" to. I could focus on my son, or my prayers or anything else. I felt mentally free.

Unlike before, I didn't suddenly feel that I HAVE to free myself of this outer situation because it made me feel so suffocated and trapped. In fact I felt free to do something else, think something else and just be myself relaxed and open.

This, I realised is freedom. Freedom in the mind, to be who I am. To think what I want, to feel positive and relaxed in spite of whatever is happening around me . Whatever happened did not matter beyond a point. I could still go back to a place of peace.

That's when I felt that no condition needs to be changed. I don't need to go somewhere else , or to be with someone else, so that I don't get triggered ever again. In fact, if I do get triggered it is an OPPORTUNITY to work on what else can be resolved and resolve it. Be free of it. And move on. Let the people be who they are , who they want to be . Pay attention to them but react with my mental discernment.

Around the same time, someone told me I was wrong for some decision I made and something I did. I should have done it differently. I immediately I felt bad, my face and spirit fell. But later I realised I didn't agree with them. I felt I don't need to punish myself but I don't need to explain myself to them and have them agree with me either. I am ok if they continue to think and feel I made a mistake, they are free to think that. And I can act on it if I feel like I did make a mistake, if not it's ok. I can just forget it and move my attention somewhere else.

I am now aware that this is the way to free my mind of attachments one at a time. And also, that it's not about them , it's only about me. Do I want to punish them or do I want to be free? I have been working with this for a while (4-5 years) but I have finally experienced it in my outer situation these past 3 days.

The victory has been in the mental freedom I experienced in the face of the terrible outburst I witnessed and how I felt afterwards. I did reach the point where I felt like it couldn't bring me down. It couldn't make me stop feeling good about myself and being myself .

And thus I attained freedom.

I was free of the outer condition, as I was being governed by my inner condition.

I do have plans to respond to that outburst but that's another story for another day.

There is still much work to do, but even a small victory is a victory and I will give it the dignity of acknowledgement.

✨🙏✨